Big thanks to Knopf, Pantheon, Vintage, and Anchor Books and
NetGalley for providing me with an advanced copy of Rax King’s new collection
of essays titled Sloppy Or: Doing It All Wrong. I haven’t read Tacky yet,
King’s first collection of essays, but it’s on my to read list with its focus
on pop culture as art. Sloppy also features some elements of pop
culture, but is also incredibly personal and intimate. I was not only surprised
by the candor and risks that some of these essays take but also moved and
touched by King’s reflection on her past experiences, both good and bad, that
brought her to sobriety and a reckoning of sorts with her father’s declining
health and eventual death. Not all of the essays are deeply personal, but I
found that those essays that focused on King’s own struggles with addiction,
mental health, and her relationship with her parents were my favorites in this
collection. For me, part of this was her ability to fearlessly reflect on her
own mistakes, but also to look back on them with humor and acceptance, and not
with regret or shame. This kind of perspective is important to keep in mind,
and it leads to some important insights for King. I also think that having
experienced similar situations with addiction, recovery, and caring for ailing
parents, I felt like there was a lot I could relate to in her experiences, and
reading about her perspective was relatable, but also fresh in many ways. King
doesn’t seek out pity but rather looks to find meaning and strength in these
experiences, often through humor and self-deprecation.
What stood out most to me was King’s own unique voice, of
which humor definitely plays a part. Her essay “Proud Alcoholic Stock” relates
to her experiences growing up with parents in recovery, and her struggles to
understand her own relationship with alcohol and other substances. She
discusses her parents’ relationship and their inability to relax in social
situations where alcohol was present. As she notes, “Alcoholism is often genetic,
which they knew, but as it turns out, so is obsessing about one’s alcoholism.” As
someone who grew up in an alcoholic home, I agree that when these realizations
occur, that obsession about alcoholism takes on strange perspectives and
meanings. King goes on to discuss her observations of other parents who can
drink normally and her own experiences with trying alcohol for the first time.
I actually wondered if this essay was possibly part of her recovery, as she
notes how her relationship with alcohol began and changed over time, eventually
leading to her early experiences with sobriety, and how it also changed her relationships
with others. She also discusses her father’s other addictions, particularly to
tobacco, and how this led to his death. In the essay “Cough-Cough”, King
discusses her father’s gradually worsening health and death in the hospital,
and how cigarettes brought about this condition. Other essays like “Pants on Fire”
and “Anger Management” deal with King’s father’s lying and his explosive
temper, remnants of his addict life that never seemed to resolve themselves. “Anger
Management” in particular struck a chord with me, as King details sharing burgers
and shakes with her father when she was younger, yet the diners were never
really able to get her father’s shake exactly right. She relates her own temper
to her father’s, and how her ex-husband often liked to provoke her into anger,
with one particular disturbing anecdote involving a pellet gun. Yet, it seems
like sobriety and the divorce from her ex-husband has enabled King to take a
new perspective and work towards avoiding “the life of a lonely volcano,
punking magma on myself while the villagers flee” where her “rage is still
there—less explosive, still corrosive.” I appreciated this since we don’t
always see how these horrible experiences provide us with these useful insights
and awareness. She finishes this essay about an instance caring for her father as
he’s dying in the hospital, an experience that will cause all kinds of chaos
and unanticipated emotional swings in anyone. Her father wants a cheeseburger
and milkshake for one last time, despite not really being able or even allowed
to eat this meal. One of the nurses caring for her father chastises King,
reminding her that he couldn’t have this food in the hospital—it was against
the rules and bad for his vitals. Yet, as the kid of a dying parent, she’s in a
new role, caring for her father and wanting to comfort him in these final days.
I remember when my dad was dying in the hospital, and we snuck in his dog for
one last time. Even though it was brief and probably freaked out the dog, it was
one of the last times I saw him smile. King’s essay was just a reminder about
this complicated situation that no one can ever prepare for, and how it’s
important to manage the intense emotions that are bubbling below.
Other essays were personal, but not always emotionally
impactful. I appreciated “Ms. Girl Power” which explored King’s discovery and early
understanding of feminism, as well as “The Temple of Feminine Perfection”,
which details her experiences as a dancer in a club. Her reflections on the
customers and other dancers were funny and descriptive. “Front of the House”
was another great essay for anyone who has worked in a restaurant. It brought me
back to the days of waiting tables, and why I don’t really miss that time at
all. Other essays like “Some Notes Towards a Theory of an Old Dad” and “Hey Big
Spender” discuss King’s own personality and its relationship or influence from
her father and his idiosyncrasies. Overall, this is a solid collection from the
unique voice of an important writer and cultural critic. While many of the essays
look within and are reflective, there are important cultural and social
insights to glean from King’s writing. Her essays in this collection are a wild
ride through drinking and drugging, mental health challenges and treatment,
recovery, and caring for sick and dying parents. This is a collection that
offers both laughter and humor but also delves into deeper emotions like the
sadness of depression and the struggles with anger management to the grief and
guilt of losing a parent. I’ll definitely revisit some of these essays, and I
could even imagine using some of them in a writing class to help students
understand how to reflect on and make meaning from challenging experiences and
situations. I’m looking forward to eventually reading Tacky and reading
more of King’s future work.
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